Black Coffee
by SkeletonCops
Summary: Necromancy AU. Pre-relationship/friendship Valduggery, I suppose. Yes, it does contain SkulVal but it's not an actual pairing as of yet. 'Skulduggery has quite sneaky ways of getting what he wants. Right now, he wants coffee. And he will get that coffee.' (Oneshots/Drabbles. Vaguely related. Continued)
1. Black Coffee

**So.. This. Does anyone remember when I said I was going to write a bunch of AUs? This was originally supposed to be like, the second or maybe third one, but eh. So.. Here you have it. Written all the way back on 9th April. 1840-something** **words of Necromancy AU. Maybe I'll continue this and make it a series of AU one shots. Or write a Part II, if anyone's interested? I do already have the ides for a couple more of these.**

 **So.. *deep breath* here goes. It's a Necromancer!Au. Valduggery, obviously. Since Skulduggery wasn't exactly one of the good guys, and used Necromancy from the start, he isn't a skeleton. They're not evil, per se but just.. Necromancers. It's mostly cause real Skul probably wouldn't do this. Well, not all the time.**

* * *

Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant had been partners for years.

She'd tagged along, when he'd found her during a case. They'd eventually become partners, with him training her in Necromancy and that Wreath guy training her in Elemental. Bla, bla, blah.

They both were bona fide, powerful Necromancers, although neither went for the robe thing. Most Necromancers had ditched it these days. They worked for the Main Temple, their version of Sanctuaries. Same thing, except for the name change. The Sanctuaries had simply crumbled, sort of, and Necromancers had decided to redecorate and change a hella lot of things and eventually declare themselves as the Irish Sanctuary. Somebody's genius idea had been to name the Ireland ex-Sanctuary the Main Temple.

Which was a pretty friggin bad name.

Dear lord Zeus, was it a stupid name. But it paid. And the people, their _bosses_ , technically, were also very stupid. But now that two of his best mates were on the three Boss Seats, life had been so much better. They were still working on changing the name,though.

Life was fun for the two.. Assassins? Nah, that was too exaggerated. Enforcers? No, that wasn't what they did. They did, however, investigate any killings of their side, or terrified others who wouldn't listen. They were Detectives, of sorts. Yes. That's what they were.

...that was their job description,actually. The tall, handsome man in the dark, dark navy suit with a cobalt blue shirt wondered why he'd been wondering about his job. He knew what his job was. See, this was what no coffee did to a person. First time he'd gone to sleep in two days, and he gets called up at four am. _Four. Friggin. A. M._

Now it was almost ten, the guy he'd been woken up for had been taken care of. Translation: Thrown through a second storey window because Skulduggery was cranky.

Now, nearly four or five hours later, he _still hadn't gotten his damn coffee._

Where the hell was she? How long did it take to get coffee? He tapped out a frustrated rhythm on the bonnet of his very beautiful, very expensive and very delicate Bentley. He wasn't going to exact his rage on his car,not matter how drunk, pissed off or frustrated he was. The car was off limits. Such a pretty black color. Shiny, too. He liked black. It was a nice, dark color.

Why the hell was he thinking about colours for? Oh, right. He hadn't gotten his coffee. Which his lackey —no, assistant, —no,battle accessory— had gone to get. Well, she'd said she'd gone to get it for _herself_ , but he didn't doubt that she knew he'd swipe her's. As per usual. Which meant she'd be bringing two.

And she had gone something like twenty minutes ago.

He let out a groan of annoyance, and stalked back up the street, where she'd gone to that one coffee shop which had amazing coffee. He wanted that coffee. Preferably now. If not, then in two minutes. Maximum.

He barged in through the door, the little bell twinkling. Gods, he hated that bell. However, the coffee allowed him to forgive that. Aha, there she was. Chatting up some reasonably not bad looking twenty year old. He reckoned the guy would have a priceless reaction when he would find out that the cute girl he was flirting with was actually seventy-something years old.

He calmly walked up to her, increasing his pace and putting on a worried expression. "Sister! There you are! You weren't supposed to go out of the nurse's sight! The doctor was so worried!" She stared at him, confused. "What?"

He grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. She, as he predicted, tried to move away. "Uh.. Skul? Are you okay-" he pulled her into his chest to muffle her words. He shook his head as the brunette guy she'd been talking to stared at them.

"Terribly sorry, mister. Did my sister bother you? She's always running away from her nurses, this one. Oh, didn't I mention? She's kooky." He pulled a hand away and twirled the finger at his head in a 'crazy' gesture. "Completely off her rocker. Thinks that she's a magic butterfly at times. Has.. _episodes_."

The guy's face moved from confused to worried to relieved. It was amusing to watch, really. "Oh. Oh. I-I didn't realise. She seemed okay." Valkyrie, hearing everything, let out an angry muffled yell at him. The guy nodded in understanding, and slowly backed away.

He pulled away, and she shoved him and glared at him soon as she was able.

"What was that for? Can't I flirt with a hot guy?"

He nodded. "Of course you can. As long as you bring me my coffee first and not make me wait. Or if he's Satan. But that one's up to you." He frowned. "Speaking of, are you going to tell me why you took so long to get coffee?"

She crossed her arms. "They had an accident with the steamer or something. They're fixing it now."

Oh. So that was why. "Fine. Just get the coffee and then come back to the car. I'm getting _really_ bored."

She scowled at his retreating back. Damn him. Damn him for being such a general asshole. Damn him for being him. Damn him for being so damn good looking. She knew he'd swipe her coffee. Like always. So she'd started getting two, because she knew him and his habits. But she wasn't going to get him a coffee this time,no siree. She was going to get what he always got, and she was going to drink it in front of his face. Humph. Haha, Detective-Necromancer Man. Strike one for the lady.

Just then, there was a shout from the counter. The steamer hadn't been fixed, so sorry for the inconvenience, but iced coffees and plain coffees were available. She stalked up, got a black. Iced. The guy looked really weirded out at her request, but complied. She paid him, got out of the shop.

She stalked up to the Bentley, sipping the coffee and trying not to gag. It was black,his favourite. No sugar, no cream, just really bitter black coffee. For whatever reason, he loved it. Maybe it matched his soul. It did provide a nice caffeine hit, though. That was good when it was hot, but the fact that it this one was iced made it perfect for retching.

He was leaning against the car. "Finally. It's been half an hour. " She ignored that. He didn't falter. "What coffee did you get?" It sounded like a casual question, but she knew it was so he could think about whether he wanted it or not.

"Black." She said confidently. And without showing how attractive she found the sudden look of determination on his face. "Just as black as your soul. Pity it's for me. You never said you wanted one, so I didn't get one." His eyes narrowed. "That point was already established."

"Was it? How rude of me."

He wanted that coffee. It was black. Black coffee was good. He'd actually go for any type of coffee right now, even those retchingly sweet alaskas at Dunkin. Wait, no. Maybe not those.

She kept her breathing normal, even as he crossed the space between them in a single stride. He was close enough that, if she'd been taller, the brim of his hat would be poking into her forehead. As it was, it was above her.

He paused, distracted, put a hand on a car door, swiping away a bit of dust. He then continued, leaning closer, down to her ear. "Please?" She tried her best not to shiver at the purr of the velvety voice.

"No. It's mine."

He looked into her eyes, leaning down. His vibrant apple green eyes bore into hers, and she almost blushed.

"Pretty please."

"Y-No. This coffee?" She pulled it up, showed it to him. "Black as your soul. And see?" She took a long drink from it, not succumbing to the urge to gag. "I'm drinking it. In front of you. And you're not."

He then, being the arsehole that he was, decided to play dirty. He suddenly pulled her into him, in what would look like a hug to any passerby. "I want that coffee, Valkyrie." His voice dangerously low. Eyes starkly boring into her own.

"Sure." She handed it to him before she even realised what she was doing. He immediately stepped away, turned, walked back to his side. She stood where she was, slightly dazed.

On the way, he took a sip and immediately spit it out. He turned, gave her a death glare that would made anybody else quake in fear. "It's as _cold_ as my soul too. What,did you get this from friggin Antarctica?"

She smirked. "I got it for me. I like cold coffee."

"Then why were you trying not to gag each time you took a sip?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I had no intention of giving the cup to you anyway."

"Really?" That infuriating smirk again. "You gave it to me really easily when I.. _asked_."

He threw the cup away, and got in. She glared at him, scowling. "I hate you." He smirked. "Don't worry about it. I'm practically irresistible." She sent one of her shadows to skewer his face. His showed up out of nowhere, batted her's away with ease. "Now get in."

She got in, feeling a sense of repeated Déjà Vu. A sudden realisation struck her. This happened every time he wanted something. And he always got it. He seduced it out of her. Every. Damned. Time. He'd been playing her for years. _Oh. My. God._ The bastard _._

"What?"

She turned to him, still glaring. "What do you mean, what?"

"You have that look on your face."

She frowned. "What look?"

"The one where you figure out some secret of the universe that everybody else already knew long before you."

She raised an accusing finger at him. "You-you've been seducing me into doing your work!"

He nodded. "You realise this now? I've been doing it for years. I mean, I wondered why you hadn't caught on yet, but I'm not going to complain. I assumed your intellect was low."

She opened and closed her mouth like a fish. "You bastard."

He shrugged. "That's not what you said when you were doing all the filing for eight cases. Last month, if I recall."

She turned to look out the window.

"I hate you."

"I know. I love me too."

"Dick."


	2. 50 Shades of Black

Part II.

Fifty Shades of Black. Or, Slightly-perverted conversations.

* * *

Chapter Summary(yep I'm doing these) : _"You know.." Valkyrie said slowly. "You're actually a lot like Christian Grey."_

* * *

 **Woohoo! Fastest (and shortest) chapter-finishing ever! Mostly because DeadGirl is sick, and if she can read, then a perverted piece of friendship-y Necromancer Valduggery could be the thing to slightly lift your spirits(or, ahem, ruin em), Alice. Why am I calling you Alice? I don't know, but that's your new nickname.**

 **Damn right Skul's hot, MehScewwy(that's ur nickname btw). And black coffee? Nah. I don't like too much milk/sugar but definitely not black. Unless I have to show my dominance over some other weakling. *cough***

 **This is really short, I know. Barely 1000 words. Does that make it easier to read? I dunno. Does that make this a Drabble? Aren't they like 500 words?**

 **Just so y'all know, I've got no real beef against 50 Shades, and no I haven't read nor seen it. Well, maybe barely half an hour of the movie online, but that ended quick because I honestly couldn't stand it. I'm not even a Dornan fangirl. He's still good-looking though. (But Jensen Ackles is definitely the best) This is purely for amusement of said author. Also it's been floating around my head for ages, how similar Skul and Chris are. Seriously though. Also, I had to google and check out the wikia for Grey, so be fuckin happy u nerds.**

 **Maybe Val's sleep deprived. Maybe I am. It's three am. The book she's reading is a shoutout to the 'Chaos Walking' Triolgy, which you should definitely read. No, I do not happen to own that or SP either. And do you honestly think I'd own something which started out as Twilight Fanfiction? (Look it up, it did).**

* * *

They were in Skulduggery's house, which also worked as his office for whatever reason. She didn't know what that reason was at the moment, but she was sure Skulduggery or someone else had mentioned it to her sometime. Ah, well. God, she was bored. So bored.

She needed something to think about. Someone hot. Jamie Dornan? Mmm, yeah he could work. Or Dexter? That was too close for comfort. Skulduggery? She thought about him often enough. Ravel? Again, too close. She wanted someone she didn't know and could hence objectify easily. Dornan? Dornan.

He was hot. Skulduggery was also hot. He played someone called Christmas Gay, didn't he? No, wait that wasn't it. Gay Christian? Fifty shades of gay? _What_ was it? Oh, right. Fifty Shades of Grey. Christian Grey. Or was it Gray? According to her Tumblr, and her dash which had been recently filled with some porno movie news. Fifty Shades, apparently was getting a movie. Why wasn't she getting a movie? Her and Skulduggery would be cool in movies. Hey, didn't Grey wear suits a lot? Maybe Christian Grey could make a cameo. Or just Skulduggery. They _were_ weirdly alike.

"You know.." Valkyrie said slowly, frowning thoughtfully at the wall. "You're a lot like Christian Grey." Skulduggery looked at her over the top of the case file he was currently studying.

"What."

She shifted in her chair, now turning properly to face him. "Yeah! I mean, seriously. Can't you see it?"

"You're being absolutely ridiculous." He replied, still reading through the file and in his I'm-calm-but-internally-screaming monotone way. She crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, looking like the definition of a 'Bitch Please' pose.

She unfolded her arms and began to count each point she spoke out loud with her fingers. "One, you're really rich."

"I'm not _that_ rich." He said. "I've just been alive for, what was it? Oh, yes. Four hundred years." He sighed in exasperation, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. Another one of her sudden 'discoveries'. He was well aware that no force in the universe could stop her once she got in her zone. He just had to bear it. Which was very, very difficult.

"Two, you're, like, really bossy. Y'know, that's definitely not healthy. Those levels."

"I am not that bossy. Take that back." He demanded, and narrowed his eyes at her threateningly. She ignored him. Dammit. "Case in point!" she nearly squealed, her excitement getting the better of her. He glared at the wall, realising his mistake. "Three, you're Irish."

"Wait a minute. Lots of people are Irish, bossy, and rich, Valkyrie. It doesn't make us all Jamie Dornan." Valkyrie sighed at this. "Jamie Dornan." She repeated wistfully. "—I mean, have you met Erskine? Secondly, wasn't the actual book-guy American?"

He was getting increasingly irritated. Skulduggery closed his eyes and willed himself not to strangle his bullshitty-er, _beloved_ battle accessory.

"..shut up. Stop logic-ing me. Four, You're hot."

"Well, yes, obviously, but that's not even—"

"Five! You're real intense about things. Weirdly so. Six, you're scary. Seven, if I judge by the bruises on your various Slags, you're rough."

He cringed heavily away. _Oookay_. This was getting increasingly uncomfortable. And vaguely disturbing. "Val—"

"And, oh! Damn. This should've been number one. The suits! The freakishly expensive suits."

"Please stop."

"Nine, you're vaguely creepy and disturbing. To be quite honest, I really wouldn't be surprised if you have a sex dungeon hidden away somewhere.

He cringed again. "I do not support abusive relationships, Valkyrie."

"Ten. Umm..."

 _Ohthankgod she's out of things._

"Oh! Mood swings and general tendency for violence."

 _Fuck. Make her stop, somebody, anybody, make her stop. Stoppp._ "So do you." Skulduggery retaliated out of reflex than anything else. He looked at the file still held in his hand and let it drop into the desk, accepting his fate. He leaned forward and put his head in his hands. _"Stahp."_ He groaned out loud.

She didn't, of course and after what was possibly the longest hour of his life, she finally ran put of random things to match him with some fucker with huge parent-issues. Oh, wait.

"And forty eight, you both have some serious psychological problems."

"Are you done?"

"Um, let me think."

 _Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes—_

"Yes."

Oh thank god. "Let's... never talk about that again?" He suggested hopefully. She snorted in response, and he knew she intended to bring that up whenever possible. Annoying him until they both died seemed to be on her bucket list. He sighed, and picked up the case file again, flipping over to the right page.

* * *

After the case's filling had been done, and Valkyrie was curled up on a chair reading some book called 'The Ask and the Answer', he finally spoke, now looking through the latest case file.

"You realise that if I'm Christian Grey, then you'd be Ana, right?"

 **(I honestly think this would've been a great place to end this, but.. *sighs*)**

He closed the file, repressing his smirk and placed it onto his desk, and scanned it carefully to check if everything was in its right place. He wasn't going to deny it, he did have a touch of OCD. Satisfied, he finally turned to look at her.

She as looking at him, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. He knew she was doing her best to think of a comeback. "I hate you." She said finally, and he couldn't help but laugh while she kept glaring.

"Careful what you say, Vally. Who knows," he gasped, the absolute absurdity of it making him laugh even more, "I could actually like it."

Her horrified expression was definitely one of her best, and when she finally met his eyes he winked at her, and then collapsed on the ground, falling right out of his chair while still laughing, dignity forgotten. She exhaled slowly, closing her eyes. "I regret my life choices now."

"It's okay to love me, _Ana_."

Needless to say, she hurled the book at him.


	3. Skulduggery 'Christian Grey' Pleasant

Part III, (Part 1)

Skulduggery 'Christian Grey' Pleasant. Or, where Skulduggry will go great lengths **(haha pun)** to prove a point.

* * *

 ** _Chapter Summary:_**

 _"I told you, if you kept comparing me to Grey I was going to do something drastic."_

 _"I didn't think you'd do_ this _!"_

* * *

 **Also, I'm very sorry for another 50 Shades-based chapter.** **I really, truly am.**

 **But hey, I got this much done, and yes, this is barely 1500 words, but it is only part (1). I should not have done these in parts, it gets really complicated. Ah, well.**

 **Damn, I wish it was possible to do different cover-arts for chapters here. Ah, well. This is based of a certain Tumblr screenshot, which is also the cover picture. Look at that first, then maybe you'll understand. Credit to the wonderful tagger.** **Also, I never usually do caps-locks to show shouting (seriously, I don't) but have here because these things are mostly for my own amusement.**

 **Yes, Skulduggery is human. Why? Because since he happened to choose Necromancy from the start, he didn't have a family and lived like a womanizing BOSS and never settled down, and hence Serpine 1) didn't have a reason to kill him, as Mevolent had originally ordered the death -that bit's canon btw-. 2) he wasn't able to lure Skul in. So yeah. My story, my rules.**

 **Love all of you reviewers, and holy shit Gravesend read my thing yessss. These are short enough as it is, so review replies would just make them shorter. But I love you all!**

* * *

It'd been a few weeks after the 'Grey Day', as he was mentally calling it. That is, to say, his life had been extremely bleak that day. Bleak meant dull, right? And Grey was a dull color? Oh, he didn't know. What he did know, however was that Valkyrie had kept true to her implied promise and never let him live down his 'like-ness' to Grey. It was painful.

She never missed an opportunity to rub it in, and it was downright _painful_.

He groaned, and thumped his head against his desk as she ranted on. "-maybe you and Wreath could do it, you know? I mean, you'd have to get him to sign a dozen forms, but.. Yeah, I want the sex tape."

Before Valkyrie could continue with the hell-like road the onesided conversation was going, her phone beeped and she pulled it out, pausing. Reading the message that flashed across the screen, she let out a string of curses that would put a sailor to shame. "Fuck. Late for meet with Tanith. Later, Chris."

"Valkyrie." He said seriously. She looked over at him, unimpressed. "What?"

"If you don't stop comparing me with Grey, I'm going to end up doing something drastic. Something you will not see coming. Do you want me to do that? Because that is how you get me to do something like that."

She laughed, and quickly walked back out to the door. "Yeah, sure!" She called over her shoulder. "You can't change who you are, Christian. You cannnttt.." She said the last word in a drawn-out singsong voice, and disappeared, banging the door shut behind her. He heard the whirring of a motorcycle, and waited as it quickly screamed back up the road.

He set his jaw determinedly, and pulled out his phone. He waited while the phone was eventually picked up by an obviously bored person. _"Hey, Skul,"_ Ghastly Bespoke's voice spoke. _"What is it?"_

He leaned back in his chair. "Ghastly, old boy, I think I'm going to need you to make a few things for me."

 _"Suits? Don't you have enough? I mean, I don't really have much else I need to be doing-"_ there was a muffled cry of _'Lies!'_ in the background, which was probably Ravel. Good, Ravel should really do more work. Asshole. _He_ didn't have to deal with this crap.

"No, no. Not this time. It's not suits I'll be needing."

 _"Wait, what!"_ Ghastly nearly shrieked the words, an odd excitement creeping up in his voice _. "I mean, I definitely love that you're expanding your wardrobe, but_ what the hell _? Tell me, tell me, tell me. This is going to be good."_

"Remember the old kind of clothes I used to wear?" He could almost hear, Ghastly strike his sassiest pose. _"You mean the.."_

"Yes. I mean those."

 _"Oh,_ excellent _. Come by the shop in a couple of hours. I'll see what I can do."_

"Great. Later, Bespoke." He ended the call and stood up, stretching. "Oh, Valkyrie." He said aloud to the empty room. "You did the wrong thing challenging _me_."

* * *

Valkyrie walked out of her uncle Gordon's house -well, mansion- the next day, calling out a goodbye to her uncle's Echo-self. She had her phone in her hands, locked in a serious battle with Tanith over which was better, Star Trek or Star Was.

Hence was why she barely glanced up at the Bentley and moved slower so she wouldn't collide with it. She looked up at Skulduggery, waved, then turned back to her phone. Skulduggery patiently smirked, waiting for her to realise. She tapped out a few more things, and then at Skulduggery's mental count of ' _2.._ 3', her head whipped up so fast Skulduggery was surprised how she didn't injure herself. She looked at him properly, then screamed. Literally, screamed.

"What the _fuck!_ "

Skulduggery grinned at her, pretending to be oblivious. "What?"

She stalked up to him, having to walk around the car to do so, face furious, and yelling all the while. "YOUR SLEEVED ARE ROLLED UP. WHY. I _DEMAND_ THAT YOU STOP THAT."

He winced a little at the volume of her voice, stopped smiling and raised an impossibly smug eyebrow. If eyebrows could be smug, that was. She reached him and poked a furious finger on the middle of his chest, hitting him with each word, still yelling -no, _screaming_ would be the word for it- at him. "AND YOUR HAIR. IT IS MUSSED. WHY?"

It was going absolutely perfectly. The outfit in question was a plain black shirt with just the slightest V-neck, with a dark blue (blue just so happened to be his favorite color) overshirt over it, he was hat-less (God that felt awkward) with, as so eloquently put by Valkyrie 'mussed' hair. Along with a what-could-be-called-a-bracelet on his left hand and a watch on his right. Regular combat boots, not dress shoes.

She put her hands on her hips, phone forgotten even though it was buzzing wildly in her hand. She was breathing faster right now with the excursion. "AND THAT SHIRT IS A V-NECK. WHY IS THAT?"

Skulduggery raised his hands and shook his head in mock surrender, and didn't interrupt her. He had a feeling she was quoting something, but didn't press it. She continued, voice lower but still extremely loud. "Also, you are wearing a watch _and_ a bracelet. Why and how fucking dare you." She turned on her infamous death-glare, although sagging slightly with defeat. "You attractive piece of _shit_."

He laughed out loud. "Oh, dear. " Still with his mixture of smirk-grin which had earned him quite a lot of women in the past, he leaned down toward her her, breath ghosting on her neck. " _I told you I would do something drastic_."

While she stared up at him, brain struggling to find a response, he simply laughed and opened his car door, sliding in with a gracefulness accumulated over the years. She stayed where she was, but turned around to continue glaring at him. He looked at her unimpressed. "Well? Get the hell in or walk."

She scowled at his usual demeanor, but managed to walk around and get into the car. He stepped on it, the car moving to second gear and then third gear pretty quickly _ *****_. The car itself may have been old, but it's workings were definitely new. She sent a few quick texts to Tanth, telling her she'd continue after a while. Silence for a few minutes. Eventually, he could _feel_ that Valkyrie was still glaring at him. He finally turned to look at her, smirk and smile off. "Care to comment?" He asked, turning back to the road.

"I hate you."

He nodded. "So you've said." _Multiple times. Yet you lie._ He didn't say anything more, knowing she was about to get started on an entire lecture.

"What.. why the hell would you do this? Just because I constantly call you Christian Grey, whom you happen to despise utterly for being an abusive asshole- okay, yeah, I'm seeing why now."

He braked at a red light, and looked at her seriously. "I _told_ you I would do something horribly drastic."

She looked at him in a mixture of shock and horror. "I didn't think you'd do _this_!"

"Well," he replied, cutting through the traffic despite the light still being red. "then you have absolutely no idea the lengths I will go to to prove a point, my lovely lackey."

She narrowed her eyes at him. He couldn't see it, since he wasn't directly looking at her, but he could _sense_ it, his Valkyrie-senses honed after years and years. "Right, sorry. _Battle accessory_."

"That's better." She murmured under her breath. "But you still can't change your personality, mister."

He braked sharply, pulling over to the Temple car park specifically reserved for them. He looked at her, eyes alight. "Is that a challenge?"

"Why, do you want it to be?" She said so, awfully, what was the word? _Challenging_.

His eye flashed. " _Challenge accepted, Mademoiselle_."

* * *

 ** _*_** (Believe it or not, I do have knowledge of how to drive a stick-shift. Although I personally never have, and my family promises I won't until I'm at least forty. So.. Eh.)


End file.
